To Be Single
by ChrissyForestChat
Summary: A single death after years of fighting is an astounding civilian/militia ratio, but that doesn't make the terrified and pained screams die out any quicker. Or: Shiro has to command Lance to kill a civilian in order to save Keith, and the aftermath. TW for vague descriptions of a panic attack and intense discussion of minor character death.


"Seven people are not enough to save the entire universe. People who should be saved never will be. I will regret agreeing to this."

This manta of his could be ignored, at times. Shiro had to prepare for any situation and any mistake to ensure that as many people as possible will live. He'd been trained for this – and he's always aware that the others never were, never will be besides what he can give them and what if he's forgotten some part of his training in his lost memories – and so he wonders, then, if all of his decisions will be shrouded in the sludge of regret that seems to drip into any wrong order that slips past his lips.

And he thinks, as Lance raises his gun, that he was taught how to command an army of hundreds and not four fragile, invaluable humans, and continues to watch the man sat atop the ledge. In a war of 12 against everything, a single member cannot be lost no matter the sacrifices. 12 against infinity leaves no room for the empathy rising in his throat as the trigger _clacks_ up to four times and Shiro lifts a single finger, waiting.

A single death after years of fighting is an astounding civilian/militia ratio, but that doesn't make the terrified and pained screams die out any quicker.

The petrified horror Lance's hesitation indicates is excruciating, and Shiro is aware of how he'll have to apologize to the people of this world, is aware that he'll be soothing a sobbing Lance to sleep for who knows how long, is aware that his decision will lay ruin to so many lives; and yes, Shiro is aware of the shuddering breath of Keith clung to his back.

"Keep going! You need to climb to the top of the pile and survey the area to make sure the acid won't bubble or fizz up, and double check the area ahead," he ordered, pausing to pant, "A single drop of this acid in his leg could be fatal, we don't know what we're working with here." Shiro stopped himself from fidgeting, knowing the movement would aggravate Keith's wound but wanting nothing but leave, escape, _do what that man couldn't, because of you._

Lance had tears welling, perhaps from the dust, or the pain, or the sound of sizzling flesh, and spoke in a choked voice, "But Shiro, did I-"

"No Lance, I did," he needed to embrace him, provide the comfort he couldn't give until they were safely in their lions. "You followed my orders. I killed that man, and we need to leave."

And so he watched, as Lance climbed atop the pile of boulders the same way that man had minutes before.

~~~…~~~…~~~…~~~…~~~

All but Allura hovered outside of Keith's pod, tinkering with whatever sat before them (Coran the other pods, Pidge their newly acquired tech from the planet, Hunk his new proposed invention that would help them be able to remotely locate the lions through their helmets, and Lance Shiro's hands). There was no silence, Pidge, Hunk, and Coran all talking rambunctiously through their tasks, likely assuming Shiro and Lance's silence was born from worry for their boyfriend.

Lance couldn't keep his thoughts focused, and so he decided it would be best to sit away from the conversation. He was giving Shiro time to collect himself, waiting for the moment when he would ask Lance's opinion on if they told everyone what had happened or not. He studied each of his lover's fingers, contrasting the metal and skin, considering in some daze what Shiro was like before he lost his arm – when their world was the Earth and family was just a call away.

Dam he misses his family.

"We need to tell Allura," Shiro said, quietly, and Lance could feel his heart rate increase. He can hear the dark distress in his voice and struggles through his thoughts to say, "We don't," despite his logic informing him of the pain that comes from keeping things from Allura.

But Shiro shook his head, and Lance pursed his lips, before speaking again, "We need tell those people what happened too, don't we?"

Shiro paused, sounding his words out as he spoke them, "We need to tell Allura, who can decide herself what to do about that. They deserve to know where the body is, Allura the diplomat would know best on how to proceed with apologies."

Lance looked up, meeting Shiro's equally wet eyes with a tilted grin, "I'm glad you're willing to share the burden, even if it takes a princess to do it. Thanks for the vote of confidence, I must be pretty amazing to please someone with such high standards."

Shiro chuffed, a hand freeing itself to cover his, "You were just a package deal with Keith, obviously," and leaned further into his space. They curled up closer, breathing evenly until Shiro asked, "Do we tell Keith?"

Lance met his eyes, thoughts still swimming but feeling more stable in a familiar place and familiar arms, "You mean the other member of this relationship that, we all, including the other paladins and the lions for Pete's sake, insist is based on trust and no secrets? Yes, we tell him. But I don't know how."

Shiro closed his eyes, just mumbling, "Same," before falling back to silence until footsteps echoed from further down the corridor. Her eyes scanned them all, landing on Shiro with a clear message of, 'Get over here to be here while I announce our current status and likelihood of survival,' and Lance sighed and he nuzzled at Shiro's chin. His lips quirked at the returned nuzzle before the Black Paladin stood, walking with a grace Lance considered impossible given his current mental state.

When alone Lance could feel his troubled thoughts begin creeping in again, if slower than before, but it seemed Allura didn't intend to debrief Shiro before the rest of them, as she spoke barely a few moments later.

"Coran, how long until Keith should be out of there," she asked, voice crisp, and her nod just as crisp after the answer of, "Two cycles from now." Her attention turned towards Lance, offering him a sympathetic look before speaking to address all of them.

"Most of the planet can be restored by the Lolians themselves. They have requested our help in obtaining some materials, almost all of which can be obtained through an old trade route of theirs, so really all we need to do is provide them the materials to build transportation and they should be fine." And despite his preoccupation, Lance still sighed in relief, knowing from experience how lucky that was, instead of the scavenger hunts they've been sent on before. The faster he was away from this planet, the better, in his mind.

Before he could stand and move back to Shiro's side, however, Allura spoke again, "However, there is a slight problem, before we can go. The leader called a quick meeting for everyone to make sure each person was where they needed to be, but a single family reported someone missing. The family insisted we search for the man, but I-"

"Allura," Shiro spoke over her. His face seemed both compassionate but distant, in a way that would have unnerved Lance if he could have thought enough to process it. But all he could think was, 'Family, family, of course the man had a family it's only logic and oh god, I killed someone's family.'

And then Shiro continued speaking and Lance clung to his every word, refusing to let himself drift further into his own mind, "We need to speak, privately, please." And then he dragged her off, but before he disappeared, he twisted around and told Hunk, "Go sit with Lance, please."

And so, under the stares of Pidge and Coran, Hunk came to sit against him, back-to-back. He continued to pull at the device even as his mumbled, "He'll be okay, man," and Lance hid his trembling hands beneath his legs as he faked a smile and said, "I'd beat him up if he wasn't."

~~~…~~~…~~~…~~~…~~~

The soft but calculating glances from Allura were fingers reaching into his throat and dragging up more and more bile. Soon enough he'd be adding to the puddles of acid lining the floor.

He couldn't shake the knowledge that each of these people - human-like or no - know he is a murderer. He hadn't been able to lift his face from Shiro's shoulder as his leader had explained to the man's family what Lance had done - except that Shiro had phrased it to be his own fault but. But Lance knew better and Lance had made the choice to… To. Well, Lance has never been superstitious but the four _clacks_ he made had brought the death Shiro's culture foretold. (And yet if he hadn't then there might have only been four members of Voltron left and still four would have been the number of death.)

But how could he say his decision was the right one after he'd seen the four, four, of course _four_ children's distraught faces as they heard the story of their father's death?

He trudged and stumbled through the acid field in some bravery and mien of confidence that had died alongside that man's last breaths. When the pile came into sight he hesitated, pulled forward by the hand held within Shiro's. He continued to move almost entirely on auto-pilot, but he could feel his pace slowing as the stench of death crept closer. Even as the entire group stopped he continued until Shiro's hand prevented him. So he paused and watched as the others surrounding them took in the scene.

The Lolians stepped forward, assessing the size of the pyramid of boulders. Each murmured unintelligible phrases to one another. This mixed with their unreadable faces left not a trace of their emotions, and Lance could feel the sweat dripping down his brow like the seconds of silence passing. Drip. Drip. Drip, and they turned to Shiro.

"There is no chance of any number of my people being capable of removing Canek from the pile. He's, perhaps luckily, not submerged in the acid, but rather," the Lolian paused, glancing to Lance as if to check how he was handling the situation, "crushed between the layers of boulders."

The Lolians looked to Shiro with what Lance supposed was meant to be a somewhere between earnest and pleading, "My people have been starved for many years - there is no chance any number could sufficiently lift the boulders. As such… We were considering: would the yellow paladin and his lions be available to assist us?"

The ringing of his ears began to drown out the rest of the conversation. He stood with his back straight but his eyes cast towards the ground, thoughts racing of 'He can't know. Hunk can't know, can't know, can't hate Lance for what he's done. He'll hate, despise his actions and Lance will lose his best friend to go along with all he lost back on Earth.'

The hand enfolding his left grounded him, reminding him that Shiro still stood besides him despite knowing and- and there was a time, a few months back when Lance had jokingly done a marriage ceremony for "team bonding" and everyone had shook their heads at him but - but Hunk has turned to him and recited when Lance had trailed off and he - he promised in sickness and in health and Lance was feeling pretty sick (of himself).

And then he became aware of Shiro muttering into his headset and directing someone. And then the moment he head Hunk's answer through his own he no longer felt so sick.

~~~…~~~…~~~…~~~…~~~

Lance lurched beside him, hand releasing his and flying to his chest. Shiro whirled, enraptured as his lover hurled bile onto the ground. Lance choked, attempting to suck in a deep breath but coughing as more sick spat from his mouth. Shiro could only watch, catching him beneath his arms and lifting the broken man from his crouch.

'I did this,' his mind cried, pained as his lover's heaved breaths. 'No leader and certainly no partner should ever be so cruel and yet I hardly hesitated.'

"Lance!" Allura's call shook himself out of his thoughts, pushing Shiro to move Lance into her arms. She grabbed hold of both of his shoulders and maneuvered him across her back, disregarding the vomit smeared on her as she did. She turned stern eyes to Shiro and stated, "Finish guiding Hunk. I'll take over once he's here - you have another duty to attend to."

His relief burned bright, her reassurance that soon this hell of acting would be over, "What are you surroundings Hunk?"

The paladin over the communicator hesitated hesitated, "Was that Lance? What happened?"

Shiro sighed, "Yes, we'll have to explain later." Fingers pressed to his forehead as he sorted through his emotions, he continued, "For now, please focus on the bubbling acid pits. What's in your sights?"

Worry laced his tone even as he responded, "Well… There are about 10 corrosive puddles lined in a semi-circle, then- "

"Perfect," Shiro cut him off, "fly past that then follow along the cliff raised on your left. You'll see us standing on a trail just below a large pile of rocks."

Two minutes of harsh silence later the huge lion came into view. As soon as it landed, Shiro twisted on his heel to face where Allura sat with Lance, jutting his hand toward the massive robot as he moved to the overhang they were huddled beneath. Allura's nod lost some surety, covered in vomit and hair puffed up with frizz. Shiro reached to smooth it down as they passed each other, mouthing his gratitude even as she sniffed snootily.

Lance shifted as Shiro sat beside him, seeming to both move closer but keep a distance. Shiro huddled awkwardly behind him, hovering between offering comfort or respecting boundaries. He eventually settled on leaving his hand beside him, easy to grab but not intruding upon the tiny ball of human his partner currently was.

Each puff of breath came labored, shakily entering Lance's chest then pushing out in a rush. Shiro opened his mouth a few times, "I'm sorry."

Lance didn't respond, so he continued, "I had to make a choice. That man or Keith." Lance shook his head.

"He had a family, Shiro. One that… needed and depended on him."

"And the universe depends on Keith," Shiro countered. Lance shook himself, his internal struggle obvious but having no argument. A nearby acid bubble popped in the silence. Lance's breathing still had yet to calm, even though his trembling did.

"Thank you," Shiro said, after two more _pops._ "Thank you for trusting me."

Lance's breathing paused, "I don't feel worth much thanks, but you're welcome."

Shiro huffed, "Thank you for saving your boyfriends then."

Another three _pops,_ and then a commotion broke out closer to the stack of boulders. Hunk stood by the severely diminished pile, hunched over and retching. The destroyed body of Canek had been unearthed, and Hunk's queasy nerves were unearthed alongside it. Shiro ripped his eyes away and to Lance, who stared on in horror. His ragged breathing sped up, his lungs struggling to access any of the plentiful air surrounding him. Tears reflected in his eyes and he began to mutter, 'I did this. He's disgusted by me. Disgusted.' Shiro stood, turning on his communicator and immediately speaking, "Pidge, in your lion, now. Lance needs out of here."

~~~…~~~…~~~…~~~…~~~

Keith opened his eyes with a shiver. He could barely make out the _kisshh_ of the pod doors sliding open through the ice of his mind. He stumbled, catching himself on the open door and forcing a ragged but deep breath.

Feeling the oxygen begin to melt away the tundra of his head centered him. He looked to his surroundings and popped his to help sound flow in again. Just as the sniffles breached his hearing he caught sight of them, curled against another pod at least 20 meters away. Quick as his sluggish pace permitted, he walked through his shivering to them. His unstable vision made the dark nearly impossible to see in, but the sound was unmistakable.

Shiro noticed him first, as he jostled the sobbing Lance as he ran to catch Keith. Lance did not pause any of his sobs, but turned leaking eyes to watch Shiro support Keith to sit beside him. His eyes continued to drip, and he made not move to be any nearer to Keith.

'I did this,' Keith thought, staring at his partner as he cried into his own arms. Keith scooted, pulling Shiro with him as he leaned closer to the blubbering paladin. Too weak to properly hug him, he fell against Lance and raised a single arm up as much as he could, letting Shiro drag it up and around the rest of the way.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I'll try to be more careful." He breathed in deeply, trying to suck in lost air, "You know I'm trying."

Lance laughed wetly, "How vain," he adjusted his head onto Keith's shoulder, "I'm not crying like this because of you."

Shiro sighed, "You sort of are," and turned Keith's confused face towards himself. "How are you, Koneko?"

"Pet names are still a turn off," Keith shivered, "as are all pod visits. I'm fine but still am vaguely a Popsicle."

Shiro opened his mouth, but Lance's voice cut him off, "Oh, I see. So am I just a human hot water bottle to you, kitten?"

Keith hummed, "No. If I want heat, then the ice guy isn't the best person to get that from." He swiveled to face Lance, "But what's wrong with you, Michi?" and ignoring Shiro's mutter of "hypocrite."

"Oh, not much. You're just, you know, or well, you really don't I guess, but. Hah, you're dating a murderer!" His eyes hardened, glare turning to Shiro as he said, "There. I told him, Shiro. Now there's no 'secret' between us."

"Lance," Shiro's pained voice resounded like knives. Keith felt the shock wash over him, before he looked between the two and screeched, "What!"

Lance shrunk into himself as Shiro began to speak, "There was a casualty-"

"I killed him! I might as well have tilted the gun up just another five feet. Just a fifth shot, a clean head-shot!" He mimed shooting his rifle, throwing his hands into the air as he nearly yelled, "Could have been the 'Sharp-Shooting Killer' then, not just a murderer."

"You did not kill that man, Lance." Shiro's voice held even more tension now, "You followed my orders-"

"What are you talking about," Keith interrupted, voice too loud and gesticulations sharp, "Shiro, what is he saying!"

Lance curled into himself again and covered his ears. Shiro took that as his sign to continue, "There was a casualty during the fight. We need to get you to safety and-" he cut himself off, voice cracking as he finished, "I had Lance shoot down a pile of rocks a Lolian was climbing to get to safety in order to create a path over the acid field. The man was crushed in the process."

Both Shiro and Lance were breathing unevenly now, but Keith disregarded this, sitting silently until he turned to Shiro and quietly asked, "Why?"

Taken aback, Shiro hesitated and Keith took that as a chance to continue, "Why! Do you really believe my life is worth more than that man's!"

Shiro did not move, for at least five seconds, then he raised his hands to rub at the tears slipping down his cheeks. He rubbed far more aggressively than needed, and took his hands away with his eyes a bright red as he cried, "Yes. Yes it is!"

And despite his shock at seeing one of the strongest men alive cry, Keith still managed to gather his wits to shout, "Why!"

Shiro continued to scrub at his face, "Because there's five of us! Because a single death means an almost guaranteed loss!" Shiro stood, pacing as he ranted, "Because losing one of you or the others wouldn't only break me but all of our progress. Because a war is supposed to be training to read each others actions not each others faces! Because I've never been trained for this but it doesn't matter because… Because 'I can't lose you' isn't some romantic notion but is the cold, hard truth and… And so when it came time for a sacrifice it couldn't be any of us and because that man and even his family isn't worth _us."_

As he walked by Keith grabbed him, yanking him from his rant and into his arms. Keith was mumbling, "I'm sorry," as he tenderly rubbed away his tears to soften the way Shiro has done so aggressively before. Lance, who had stopped crying partially into the rant, warily scooted closer, wrapping his arms around his partner's torso and joining in mumbling apologies. As Shiro's breathing evened, Lance leaned closer to his ear and whispered, "Well, I can't lose you either, and that is a romantic notion," and weakly joined Shiro's weaker laughs.

Meanwhile, Keith shrugged and added, "I'd rather just run away to a mountain together. Much more romantic in my opinion," and reveled in the laughs it brought from his boyfriends. Even though he was entirely serious, he knew the implausibilities within the suggestion. In particular was Allura's wrath.

Shiro twisted to face Lance more directly, sharing breaths as he said, "You don't know how sorry I am Lance. I never would-"

Resting his head against him, Lance pushed against his shoulder until Shiro quieted, "You did your job admirably. I… understand, even if I'll take a long time to get better about it."

Keith's head popped up over Shiro's other shoulder, "You know what else would help with that? Telling the others."

Snorting through a sniffle, Shiro leaned back against Keith, "He's right. All-hands meeting at dinner tonight."

Keith stood, stretching then moving to help both of his lover to their feet, "I'm gonna go eat to finish this healing. Do I get kisses now or will I be called 'pod-breath' for a week again if I don't eat first?"

Lance and Shiro chuckled, the latter yanking Keith into a kiss as Lance said, "You know I'd just call you goo-breath anyway."


End file.
